*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
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The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
A classic…
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.