[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
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Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
this… may be the greatest story ever told
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.