*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
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My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
Me too 😆
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
Snapes on a plane.
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings