Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
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If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.