Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
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hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
buys donuts instead
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
Just a reminder, folks:
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.