Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
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My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.