Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
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why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
My inexpensive home security system…
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.