Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
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My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting