DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
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just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
screw you
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.