diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
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God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
🙂🐾
much to think about
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family