@Kendragarden

Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.

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@OhNoSheTwitnt

I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.

@trevso_electric

That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.

@5hael

I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!

@Lisa_Laughs_

Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: Si

This is why I’m crazy.

@PeaceAddiction

I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.

@charliesgonenow

Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?

@robocreep

I have OCD as well as ADD.

Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.

@SonOfCha

A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.

@TheRealPalMal

Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:

“He’s showing signs of improving”

“He’s a beast”

“He just has to keep those interceptions low”

“It’s been a wild season”

“Yeah they’re so stacked”

“Yeah that offensive line”

Lol I don’t know shit about football.