Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
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This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”