Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
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Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
Smile they said.
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
I think they could have phrased this better
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds