DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
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My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”