Dietest Coke
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GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
Vodka burrito was a success