Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
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Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
[montage of me giving-up]
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
Wait a minute…
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
What my back needs
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.