Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
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My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
Care for your back
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.