Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
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Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
San Francisco has too many rules
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.