Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
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maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
This could’ve been an email.
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.