Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
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My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
Nice try, poison.
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.