@robdelaney

Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.

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@Erin1137

*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*

**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**

@robyn_vo

Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!

@trevso_electric

Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.

@UNDEADTRESOR

When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.

@

My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.

@EyalTweet

Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!

Me: Choose how you want to die.

@iAmJuddy

Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.

@Molly_Kats

Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?

@trevso_electric

I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.

@chrisanna4real

Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.

I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.