Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.

Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!

-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.

A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing

Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?

What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?

When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”

“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.

Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”

Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.

I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK

I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.

I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.

Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.

BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.

BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.

[city marathon]

ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?

RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS

ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?

Grandpa

Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers

My mood is currently on “shuffle.”

I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.

5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.

Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.

Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.

Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.

Him: what are you doing

Me: gas is so cheap right now

Him: ok but–

Me: *continues filling bathtub*

Her: your SO annoying!

Me: you’re 😐

Them: What is wrong with you?

Me: How much time do you have?

Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.

When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?

This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.

Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”

a house without a chimney should be called a nouse

[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”