Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
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Saturday
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
tell em, edith-anne
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
