Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
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boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
Doctors texting each other.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
My blood type is coffee.
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?