Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
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[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”