*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
You Might Also Like
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.