Digital security in Ancient Troy
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tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
rise and shine we got egg
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”