*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
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If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
greetings!
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.