[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
You Might Also Like
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
What a kind woman! 😂😂
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you