[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
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I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
dream blunt rotation
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.