Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic

HER: yes

ME: cool see u tonight

“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”

* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing

Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.

sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life

y’all made fun of plankton on spongebob for dating a computer and look at y’all now 💀

WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”

This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo

4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?

Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.

4: You told me not to lie.

The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.

I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.

Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.

the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on

producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?

the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word

producer: sounds bad

the killers: its the greatest song ever written

Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.

(I didn’t say best, I said creative)

5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?

Me: Pay the bills.

5: Are you winning?

Me: No.

3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.

Me: Which one, buddy?

3: Any of them.

just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running

I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.

Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.

Boss – can you pass a piss test?

Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?

A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”

Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.

8-year-old: Why?

Me: For what you did last night.

8: You were supposed to forget about that.

going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money

Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon

“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend

every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car

I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.

Breaking news:

2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY