[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
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Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”