[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
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I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!