[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
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“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
wait.
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.