Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
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People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.