Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
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I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
