Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
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My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
Happy weekend !
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas