Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.

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if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.


tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards

me: but that means change or rebirth, right?

tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no


*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*


I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.

What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!


I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.


Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.


Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.

I yelled what does BMX stand for?

He replied “DUI”.


When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:

-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?


Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.