Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
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cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this