Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.

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Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.


What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39


“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen


Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks


[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary


There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.


“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.


[chamber of commerce]

harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn


JESUS: [walks on water]

JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle

JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas

JUDAS: Actually..


Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.