[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
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Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]