Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
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The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?