@Cornjerker78

Dinner Party

Hostess: How much of this would you like?

Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.

You Might Also Like

@BacklineNurse

[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.

@spaceboyriley

[first day working for IKEA]

Customer: one nightstand please

Me: sorry, I’m married

@KingRainhead

friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me

@AbrasiveGhost

[torturing terrorist]

[plays EDM]

[beat rises]

[beat keeps rising]

[beat rises endlessly]

Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING

@Kennedydp5

I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.

@LindaInDisguise

Siri, make me pancakes.

You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.

@FatherWithTwins

My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process

@dumbbeezie

If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars