Dinner Party

Hostess: How much of this would you like?

Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.

You Might Also Like


ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.


[first day working for IKEA]

Customer: one nightstand please

Me: sorry, I’m married


friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me


[torturing terrorist]

[plays EDM]

[beat rises]

[beat keeps rising]

[beat rises endlessly]



I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.


Siri, make me pancakes.

You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.


My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process


If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars