ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
You Might Also Like
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars