[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
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*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold