[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
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If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
If you love someone, let them tweet.
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.