[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
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You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?