Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
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Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.