Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
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I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.