[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
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Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
I’m a bad influence on myself.
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.