[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
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Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.