[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
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Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
Jurassic park gets weird
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”