[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
You Might Also Like
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
m’lady
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus