[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
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23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
Get off my horse you stupid moon
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.