*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*

“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”

*Asteroid crushes Earth*

“Dammit Dad.”

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A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.

Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.


I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.


Welcome to adulthood.

You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.


Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams


I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.


Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster


A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?

John Cougar Melon Camp


me: thanks for letting me work from home

boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home


I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.


Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish