*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
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Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
Dear Lord..
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
The options really are this bad
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.