Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
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Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
i was baptized in a car wash
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed