@jonnysun

*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus

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@Carbosly

“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”

– Corporate ants.

@neiltyson

Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.

@leftarmisme

If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.

@Marlebean

A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.

And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.

@MikeHornick

A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets

@0point5twins

“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”

*flirty giggle* “ok…”

“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”

@hipchkk

Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.

@GoldenSpirals

Cashier: What does your tattoo say?

Me: It doesn’t talk.

Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?

Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.

Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.

@handokotjung

How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight

3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.