*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
oh its a thesaurus

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“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”

– Corporate ants.


Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.


If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.


A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.

And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.


A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets


“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”

*flirty giggle* “ok…”

“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”


Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.


Cashier: What does your tattoo say?

Me: It doesn’t talk.

Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?


Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.


How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight

3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.