*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
You Might Also Like
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
HERE’S MARKY
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Otters see a butterfly.
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
You look like you would fail a DNA test
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.