[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
You Might Also Like
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me