dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
You Might Also Like
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
I was bored.
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.