DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
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Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.