DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
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Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
(by @ZachWeiner )
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”