dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
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Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.